It all started when I was in form 4. At that time, I was 16. My mom is a nurse and that day she was on night duty. My dad came home as usual, and when mom is at work I warm and serve him his food. On this particular day my dad said, ‘Wait a bit with the food. I need to take a bath first’. He went straight to his bedroom and within some minutes he called me and I thought he wanted his food. I went to his bedroom, knocked on the door and he responded. I asked him if I should bring his food inside and he was like, ‘Come in. We can’t talk with you standing by the door.’ I entered his room but I saw nobody as he was standing behind the door. It was like he was playing hide and seek with me. As I turned to look around the room for him, I was shocked to see my dad standing there naked! He quickly closed and locked the door. I screamed but he rushed and closed my mouth with his hands. He forced himself on me. We had sex and this was my first time. After all he did, he said he was sorry and didn’t know what got into him and swore me to secrecy. I went to my room and started crying. I couldn’t wait for my mom to come back from work. When my mom came back from work the following morning she noticed that I had swollen red eyes from the crying and she asked me what the problem was but I couldn’t say it out and ended up telling her that I was having a strong headache but deep inside my heart I wanted her to know. I went to school but I couldn’t focus. During breaktime, one of my teachers was sent by the headmaster to call me. I went and surprisingly daddy was there sitting in the headmaster’s office. He told the headmaster that my mother was critically ill but I knew he was lying. He took me from school and went straight to a hotel in town. He said he just wanted to settle things with me. I agreed because I wanted him to explain why he did what he did to me. We entered the room and he started telling me all the bedroom secrets between him and my mum and also said that was one of the reasons why he slept with me. Though he said all these things, I still couldn’t believe it. Unfortunately, he slept with me again and from that day I started having sex with him and I now enjoy it. My dad gives me money, love and he is the best boyfriend ever! The only problem now is my mom. I hate her and sometimes I wish dad would just divorce her so that we continue with our relationship in peace. But the good part is I’m now the one in charge. Daddy tells me everything and has had some properties registered in my name without my mum’s knowledge. I even control his business funds and I tell him how much to give to mum. Mama and I are now both daddy’s wives but I swear the 1st wife will go or even die! I don’t and will never regret.
The above story is from a WhatsApp platform for women.
It is however important to note that there are many similar cases to this one happening all around Zimbabwe. As Family Support Trust we come across such or even more gruesome stories of children who experience sexual violence on a daily basis. Stories of children abused by people who are known to them. Their close relatives, fathers, stepfathers, uncles, brothers, maids, neighbours and family friends to say the least.
After the story was posted varied reactions came through from the women in the group…
- Mwana uyu ibenzi (This child is a fool)
- Mwana uyu ane mweya wetsvina (This child is demon possessed)
- Mwana uyu anoda kunamatirwa (This child needs to be exorcised)
- Mweya wangu waenda kure (My heart has sunk)
- Mwana apindwa nei (What has got into this child?)
- Ane mweya wazitete wechipfambi (She is possessed by her ancestral aunt’s spirit of prostitution)
As an organisation that works and stands for children who are sexually violated, such reactions are very common. These are filled with survivor blaming attitudes that deter children from disclosing sexual violence when it happens to them.
This is why it is important to tell our children not to keep secrets and to tell if the slightest sexual violence happens to them, from sexual abuse by exposure, that is someone showing them pictures or pornographic films or exposing their private parts to them, slapping them on the bums or occasionally touching them inappropriately.
With children, the process is called grooming where a person takes time to form a trusting and manipulative relationship with the child taking advantage of their family relationships, being like a mentor in the child’s life such that when abuse happens for the first time the child is left confused, embarrassed, guilty, blaming themselves and unable to share what would have happened. There is what we call the 3 Fs strategy, FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE. When grooming occurs, the perpetrator will be ensuring that when they sexually abuse the child, he or she will freeze and as such cannot disclose the abuse. When the abuse becomes chronic and unforced the child begins to enjoy the sex. Remember, people are sexual beings and as the child is developing, sexual development is also happening. So, for the child to feel aroused, liking the sexual act is “a normal” reaction to them as they have been groomed to believe.
When all has been said and done, it is of paramount importance to note the following;
- IT IS NEVER THE CHILD’ S FAULT. Let’s desist from blaming the survivor. When abuse happens, IT IS ALWAYS THE PERPETRATOR’S FAULT.
- Most abuse happens within and around the home, with people known and trusted by the child. It is important for parents to be vigilant in monitoring and supervising their children within the home.
- Children need to hear caregivers and parents talk about sexual abuse and teach them to tell someone if sexual violence happens. Giving children information on sexual violence makes them feel comfortable to tell when abuse happens. For parents, having information also helps them to identify tell-tale signs of abuse in the case that the child does not disclose abuse. Remember, sexual violence begins from touching, licking and fondling the child’s private parts, telling a child sexual stories, showing a child pornographic films, pictures or even pausing whilst nude to a child to rape and having sexual intercourse with a minor.
- Disclosing sexual violence is a very painful, humiliating and difficult process for the child. It is important to BELIEVE THE CHILD, praise them for telling and seek help immediately as abuse has both physical and mental health consequences.
- Visiting a health centre within 72 HOURS of the abuse having happened helps the survivor to PREVENT HIV, STIS, PREGNANCY AND POSSIBLE MENTAL HEALTH EFFECTS.
